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Vol. 5, Iss. 2
February 10, 2016

50 Ways To Leave No Cover: An Insurance Coverage Love Song


It just wouldn’t be Valentine’s Day if I didn’t include one of my favorite Coverage Opinions’s pieces. This ditty originally appeared in the February 13, 2013 issue of CO:

Happy Valentine’s Day. Guys, if you have not yet bought a gift you are getting really close to the point of having to stop at CVS for a Whitman’s Sampler and a card that has been rejected as not good enough by 412 people. Not to mention that it no longer has a single sharp corner or an envelope that fits. Boys, take it from experience, this is not the way you want to go.

With Valentine’s Day tomorrow it only seemed appropriate to use this Cover-age Story to share a love song. Paul Simon briefly attended Brooklyn Law School (it’s true – lots of websites say so). Imagine if he had finished and then went the insurance coverage route. It would have only been a matter of time before someone with those songwriting skills, who spent his days cranking out disclaimer and reservation of rights letters, would have come up with this beautiful tune.

50 Ways To Leave No Cover

The problem is all inside your head she said to me
People paid for a liability policy

And now your desk has paper in piles
And people screaming about upcoming trials

The answer is easy if you take it logically
Just close those files and set yourself free

I’d like to help you in your struggle
With those large loss reports that you must juggle

There must be fifty ways
To leave no cover

Your notice was late Kate
And then you didn’t cooperate

That’s not an occurrence Terrence

It’s impaired property Lee

You furnished alcohol Paul

You intended that Matt

We’re just excess Bess

We reserved on Buss Gus

Your claim relates back Jack

You spilled pollution Lucien

It’s a four corners state mate

That’s not PD Bea

The plaintiff’s your employee Dee

You’re just not an AI Ty

You never gave notice Otis

Your payment was voluntary Jerry

An insured, a dog is not, Spot

You had knowledge of falsity Leigh

We just never intended to cover that Pat

You prejudiced us Russ

That relief’s only declaratory Lori

You’re not legally obligated to pay Jay

That’s not trade dress Les

There’s misrep. in your app. Kap

We defended but we don’t have to indemnify Guy

We’ll just investigate Nate

Your claim’s not first made Wade

There’s other insurance Vince

You’ve got an uninsured share Claire

The damage is your own work Kirk

Wrong policy term Thurm

We forgot to reserve but we still didn’t waive Dave

It’s TCPA Faye

Or call it a junk fax Max

It’s not an accident Kent

We don’t cover an assault Walt

We lost your file Kyle

And your file too Lou

Your watercraft’s not less than 26 feet Pete

Emotional injury is not BI Di

That’s not a professional service Gervase

I just ignored my boss Ross

We don’t cover recall Saul

The policy is void Boyd

That’s mobile equipment Clint

That’s not a suit Newt

And for absolutely no reason at all, your claim’s denied Clyde

There must be fifty ways
To leave no cover

A tribute to Paul Simon’s classic “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” may seem an odd choice for celebrating Valentine’s Day. But despite a title suggesting otherwise, it is a love song. After all, the song is about a woman providing advice to her lover, on ways that he can leave his wife or another woman. I mean, how’s that not a love song? That’s as romantic as anything Karen Carpenter ever belted out.


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