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Vol. 8 - Issue 7
August 21, 2019


Insurance For Life's Petty Problems




If I made the effort, I could find all kinds of technical definitions of insurance. But the best definition of insurance is the simplest – paying to get paid when something goes wrong. What these things-that-could-go-wrong could be are extraordinarily diverse and practically endless. But, for the most part, they have one thing in common: when one happens, it's pretty bad – disease, death, catastrophic injury, all manner of property losses, financial losses, and on and on and on.

Thankfully, despite paying for the chance to get paid, when something goes wrong, you usually don't see any money. And that's a really good thing. But, of course, sometimes it leaves you feeling like you haven't gotten your money's worth. Like -- Good news, I didn't die. Bad news, that pesky life insurance company took my money – again -- and did nothing for it. Nothing. They are stealing my money. Robbing me blind, I tell you.

Recognizing that most things that go wrong in life are not catastrophic, but that buying insurance, and not using it, feels like a bad deal, Irritated Insurance Company has set out to solve this problem. The company has introduced a new policy – The Peeved Insurance Plan. It provides insurance for life's petty problems. These are problems that are, of course, extraordinarily insignificant. But, at the time they are happening, leave you believing that the world is conspiring against you. Now, with the Peeved Insurance Plan, you can be compensated for having to face life's little annoyances.

Here's the real selling point of IIC's policy. Unlike that term life policy or umbrella policy, where you'll likely never get any dough back, with the Peeved Insurance Plan, the insurer expects to send some of your money back.

For a $60 annual premium, IIC will pay you $10 per petty problem, up to a $100 annual petty problem aggregate, in the event you are forced to confront a petty problem. Sure, $10 won't solve it, but at least you'll know that someone out there recognizes your suffering and feels your pain, as it's costing them money. IIC also boasts the policy's simplicity – just one page and a two-page nuclear exclusion (always gotta have that nuclear exclusion).

The Peeved Insurance Plan provides coverage for the following "specified petty problems:"

· Look at this! I ordered Diet Coke. This is Diet Pepsi.

· This is outrageous! They forgot to give me a little cup for my soy sauce.

· Six minutes? Huh? The app just said that the car will be here in four minutes! What, is the guy driving in reverse?

· Oh come on! Do you really need to include every country on the planet in the drop down menu? Just how many toasters did you send to Papua New Guinea last year?

· Hellooo! You're out of napkins. How hard is it to keep an eye on this?

· I can't sit here! This table is wobbly. Look at this ( ( ( shaking ) ) )!

· Would it kill businesses in NYC to include the cross street in their address? Sorry, my bad, I don't know where 320 Broadway is.

· I can't believe this. The barista spelled my name wrong on my cup. It's Alan. One l. If you weren't sure, you should have asked.

· Would you look at that! He has twelve items in his basket! Twelve! One, two, three, four . . . Hey buddy, last I checked, twelve is greater than ten. Twelve has the big fish mouth facing it.

· You call this water pressure? I've seen water pistols stronger than this. Don't tell me this is just a $59 a night hotel. The little sign on the back of the door says it's $700.

· Are you kidding me? Another preview? Will this movie ever start? I'm paying them for their advertisements. This is ridiculous.

· No, don't tell me! Please! Please! This can't be happening. My Mike and Ikes are stuck on the second coil. I'm going to shake this machine. If I break it, it's their fault.


That’s my time. I’m Randy Spencer. Contact Randy Spencer at

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